The primary time I ever drove on the freeway was to inform my girlfriend that I liked her. At this level, I had lived in L.A. for 4 years. “You can’t not drive in L.A.,” everybody mentioned once I moved right here. However I labored from house and lived comparatively near most of my associates. I had Lyft and Uber, a TAP card and a borderline unhinged love of strolling. My excuse was that I didn’t have a automotive and couldn’t afford to purchase one, which wasn’t a lie. However the actual purpose was I used to be frightened of driving and I had determined to succumb to that worry.

I wasn’t all the time an anxious driver. Rising up in Massachusetts, I bought my license at 16 and cruised round in my grandma’s 1979 Peugeot that had one working door and wouldn’t have handed a security inspection. However I felt invincible. Then I grew right into a neurotic grownup with an ever-growing record of rational and irrational fears — from bizarre complications and mould to working into informal acquaintances on the grocery retailer.

In my early 30s, I developed a horrible phobia of flying. “It’s so much safer than driving in a car!” folks mentioned to consolation me. So I did some analysis. This didn’t assuage my worry of flying, however it did achieve making me additionally afraid of driving. I lived in New York Metropolis on the time, the place being a nondriver was simple. In L.A., it was much less simple, however I made it work.

Once I was single, I appreciated that relationship apps let me type potential matches by location. I set my restrict to “within five miles” from my condo in West Hollywood and tried to manifest a really perfect accomplice who would dwell inside this completely cheap radius. This proved considerably sophisticated. My first boyfriend in L.A. moved from Los Feliz to Eagle Rock six months into our relationship, and we broke up. There have been different points, however the distance was the ultimate straw.

I did finally get a automotive however was restricted by my intense worry of the huge, sprawling conduits of chaos referred to as the L.A. freeways. Lanes come and go. Exits seem out of nowhere. And everybody drives like they’re auditioning for “The Fast and the Furious.” So I took floor streets all over the place, even when it doubled my driving time. I turned fairly comfy behind the wheel so long as I remained in my little bubble of security. Then I fell in love.

Spencer and I met 14 years in the past by way of a detailed mutual buddy after we each lived in Brooklyn. Our buddy had talked her up a lot that I used to be nervous to satisfy her as if she have been a celeb, however she instantly made me really feel comfortable. She’s assured and cozy in her pores and skin but additionally exudes a heat that makes folks really feel safe. On the time, I used to be newly sober, and feeling comfy — particularly round somebody I’d simply met — was uncommon.

Not lengthy after we met she moved to Philly, and our lives went in numerous instructions. She was beginning med college. I used to be writing for an habit web site and doing stand-up comedy. She was dwelling together with her long-term girlfriend. I used to be attempting to this point probably the most emotionally unavailable folks I might discover, which my therapist (and each self-help ebook in Barnes & Noble) attributed to a worry of intimacy.

A decade later, we each ended up in Los Angeles. She had damaged up together with her girlfriend and was a resident at UCLA. I used to be taking screenwriting courses and strolling all over the place. We texted a couple of instances to hang around, however then the COVID-19 pandemic hit, preserving her busy within the hospital and me busy at house spraying my groceries with Clorox. A number of vaccines later, we lastly met up on the AMC theater on the Century Metropolis mall. Simply as I remembered, she felt like house.

Over the following few months, we went to about 9 motion pictures collectively, our fingers sometimes touching in a shared bucket of popcorn, earlier than I lastly bought the braveness to inform her I had developed emotions for her. We’d change into shut associates at this level, and the stakes felt alarmingly excessive. Additionally, she was emotionally obtainable. Uncharted territory for me.

“I like like you,” I mentioned one evening whereas we have been on my sofa watching “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” My voice was shaking and likewise muffled, as a result of I used to be hiding underneath a blanket.

This confession was one of many scariest issues I’ve ever accomplished, and I’ve accomplished numerous scary issues — gotten sober, did stand-up in entrance of my total household (don’t suggest this), come out as queer to a bunch of conservative Midwesterners on a study-abroad journey (one woman took a selfie with me and despatched it to her mother with the word, “I met a bisexual and she’s really nice!”). However I realized in restoration that generally when one thing is horrifying, we are supposed to run towards it slightly than away from it. That evening, Spencer pulled the blanket off my head and informed me she felt the identical.

This stunning, assured “Curb”-loving physician did have one purple flag. She lived in Santa Monica, on the finish of a six-mile stretch on the ten Freeway. On aspect streets, getting from my condo to hers might take as much as an hour or longer in visitors. After a couple of months, we have been seeing one another so usually that the commute had change into unmanageable.

Additionally unmanageable have been my emotions. One evening, about 4 months into our relationship, I informed two shut associates that I liked Spencer however was scared to inform her. The absence of those phrases had change into a weight between us, triggering insecurities and petty fights. My associates urged me to inform her and thought I ought to do it that evening (we’d been watching “Yellowjackets” and have been feeling just a little dramatic). I felt emboldened. But it surely was 10 p.m. on a piece evening and it might take 45 minutes to get to her home by my ordinary route.

I known as her. “I’m coming over!” I mentioned. Twenty minutes later, I used to be merging onto the ten. I drove too slowly, bought off on the unsuitable exit and gripped the steering wheel so laborious my fingers went numb. However once I bought to Spencer’s condo, I used to be bolstered by adrenaline and the frenzy of getting conquered my worry. I had pushed on the ten — at evening. I might survive something. I informed her I liked her. She mentioned it again. I didn’t even disguise underneath a blanket.

This was two years in the past. Since then, I’ve pushed on the ten tons of of instances between Spencer’s condo and mine. Now we dwell collectively, which considerably cuts down on the commute. I nonetheless desire a aspect avenue, however I’ll take the freeway if I’ve to. Since mastering the ten, I’ve additionally braved the 5 Freeway, the 101 Freeway and even the 405 Freeway. Spencer all the time tells me I’m “brave.” I’m beginning to consider her.