I stepped on my toilet scale the opposite morning and couldn’t imagine the three digits staring up at me.

And I imply that actually — the size was rigged.

I do know this as a result of I’ve been weight-reduction plan my butt off, and I swear I’ve dropped 20 kilos. So the very first thing I did was ask my spouse whether or not she messed with the size as some type of prank.

She stated no, including, “Maybe you’re retaining liquids.”

Steve Lopez

Steve Lopez is a California native who has been a Los Angeles Occasions columnist since 2001. He has gained greater than a dozen nationwide journalism awards and is a four-time Pulitzer finalist.

I threw the size out instantly. Then I went again into the lavatory, took one look within the mirror, and bought one other shock.

That couldn’t be me within the reflection. No manner.

I’ve bought extra hair than that. Everyone is aware of it, and folks touch upon it. I am going onto social media and individuals are asking each other, virtually on daily basis: “How does he maintain such a full mane and youthful glow?”

I referred to as my barber and fired him.

It’s not the barber, my spouse stated. It’s best to take one other look within the mirror.

Our columnist was dismayed when he found the Bible ranks greater in e book gross sales than his personal works. “That should be on the list of fake miracles, right up there with the loaves and fishes,” he writes.

(Marta Lavandier / Related Press)

She’s been considerably out of kinds these days, ever since I went on Nextdoor to want all my neighbors a contented Independence Day, together with “all you scum I wouldn’t speak to IF YOU WERE THE LAST ONES at the picnic.”

Half the time, my spouse doesn’t even dwell with me, and I don’t know the place she is. It’s odd, as a result of the wedding is ideal. Folks ask us what the key is, and I say it’s hospitality. We open our hearts and our house to others, and we had been planning on constructing a yard ballroom till our monetary advisor advised us we had been already working up huge debt.

I sued him for negligence and monetary fraud.

My spouse introduced house a few refugees sponsored by her church, and I went together with it, though I believe it’s unsuitable in charge coyotes each time a neighborhood pet disappears. We had been having a cup of espresso and some pastries, and one in all them took a second almond croissant. After which, even earlier than he completed it, he reached out and grabbed a bear claw.

There I’m, watching it disappear, and between bites, this freeloader begins telling us our nation has to supply extra assist to his nation.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I wanted the bear claw!” I stated. “You didn’t even say thanks for the croissant, and now you want a third pastry? Get out of my house!”

To calm myself, I slipped into the lounge to chill out with a e book. I picked one which was on a shelf subsequent to 3 books I’ve written, which made me interested in how gross sales have been going these days.

So I went to Amazon to examine the rankings.

The primary e book I checked was ranked 3,907,369. I swear on the Bible, which, by the way in which, was ranked 206 on the bestsellers record.

Actually?

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John have been within the floor for what, a few thousand years? No one can inform you whether or not any of them knew a Magi from a Musketeer, to not point out that the Roman Empire they labored beneath was a failed administration. And their e book is promoting higher than mine by a mile?

That must be on the record of pretend miracles, proper up there with the loaves and fishes.

A dispute with a neighbor over a property line ? “The boundaries are rigged.”

(A dispute with a neighbor over a property line ? “The boundaries are rigged.”)

My e book is a superb e book. It’s already listed up there with the all-time classics, and it bought starred evaluations in every single place. At Barnes & Noble, they hold it within the Lovely Books part. Once I was on a e book tour, I had the most important crowds ever. Method larger than Hemingway. Individuals are nonetheless speaking about it.

So to chop to the chase, I gave my gross sales rank a Triple F ranking.

Faux.

False.

Fony.

And I fired my e book agent.

I checked out among the books ranked greater than mine — apart from the “holy” Bible — and it didn’t take lengthy to determine what’s occurring.

To begin with, quite a lot of the individuals allegedly “buying” books don’t exist. Someplace between 30% and 40% of the individuals who go onto the assessment part and declare they love Stephen King books are literally useless.

After which you may have lots of people coming into this nation illegally, ghastly individuals, and they’re voting in elections and they’re voting on books, too, as a result of they’re being put as much as it, and being well-compensated, I’d add.

Little-known truth:

The vote-counting machines and the book-counting machines are made by the identical firm.

what they need to name that firm?

RIGGED!

To not be obsessive, however I’ve heard it stated that Stephen King doesn’t look after me a lot, and that’s high-quality. Water off a duck’s again. My canine has extra expertise than that man. All he does is write tales about killers and horrible, sick individuals.

He ought to write a e book about my neighbor, if he likes deranged individuals a lot. Most neighbors love me; they’re kissing my you-know-what. However then there’s this man, whom I’m having investigated. I went out to the curb to throw the lavatory scale away, and what do I see? That jackalope is placing his trash can on my property. I’m the one who’s encroaching, he tells me, and I ought to go to the county workplaces and examine the property information.

Properly, it simply so occurs that I already checked the information, and so they’re inaccurate. It figures, as a result of that final county administration was the worst in historical past. A bunch of corrupt, evil individuals. Who ought to have been impeached. They employed incompetents as surveyors, so don’t stand on the road and inform me the place I can and may’t put my trash can, as a result of the boundaries are rigged and I’m having them rewritten.

My attorneys are on it, and we are going to win this case on Day One, assured, with time left over for a spherical of golf.

Observe to self:

On the way in which house, decide up a toilet scale.