I like pickles. Dill pickles, kosher dill pickles, cornichons, full-sour pickles, half-sour pickles, quarter-sour pickles, fast pickles, gherkins, German senfgurken. Not bread and butter pickles. These aren’t pickles. The flaccid, spherical slices with their fluorescent yellow tint and sickeningly candy taste are a shame to the pickle title.
I’m the individual sitting subsequent to you, asking impatiently for those who’re going to eat your pickle. I order sandwiches simply to get the pickle on the aspect. I volunteer at marathons, handing out pickle juice to runners: one for them, two for me. Generally (on a regular basis) I drink pickle juice straight from the jar.
I additionally love kombucha, however not like pickles, which I’ve been consuming with delight since I sprouted enamel, kombucha and I had a rocky begin. About 10 years in the past, I made a decision to care about my intestine biome as a result of somebody in my workplace mentioned that I ought to. He beneficial kombucha due to its probiotics. I didn’t know what a intestine biome was, however I imagined it on the backside of my abdomen, like a shallow wading pool with a fountain. As a substitute of pennies for good luck, I’d toss in “live and active cultures.”
My co-worker, who made his personal kombucha, introduced the “mother” to the workplace to share with me, so I, too, might make my very own at dwelling. In case you haven’t met “mother” (also called SCOBY: Symbiotic Tradition of Micro organism and Yeast), it’s a gelatinous, snotty, slimy disk that resembles one thing an alien would possibly’ve barfed up or just lately given delivery to. Or each. We don’t understand how aliens give delivery.
“Mother” can be fairly temperamental. One incorrect transfer and it grows fuzzy grey mould that might probably kill you. I didn’t belief myself to maintain “mother” pleased, so I headed to the shop to purchase some uncontaminated kombucha. My first sip was adopted by a theatrical spit take. Satisfied that I bought unfortunate with an expired batch, I attempted it once more a couple of days later with the identical outcomes. Then it dawned on me that it was speculated to style like fruit rotting in your mouth, with some weak fizz to distract you.
Being a Taurus, I’m nothing if not persistent, so I stored ingesting kombucha till disgust became tolerance and ultimately an obsession. I couldn’t get sufficient of these dwell and energetic cultures.
This brings us to final week at Complete Meals, the place I found the holy union of my two loves in 365 Natural Pickle Kombucha. Collectively finally — a dream I by no means knew I had. Some might discover the beverage’s pale inexperienced hue with darkish inexperienced sediment unappetizing, however pickle juice lovers shall be happy with its resemblance to an unclean ocean.
I grabbed the bottle and instantly twisted open the cap. I used to be rewarded with a satisfying hiss. I caught my nostril in it and sniffed, like a correct kombucha connoisseur, getting a faint whiff of dill however not loads of pickle. I took a sip, excited for the puckering acidity of pickle juice with the pungent rotten undertones typical of kombucha, however I bought neither. My mouth was confused.
The 365 Natural Pickle Kombucha has pickle tendencies, however it tastes like I had (poorly) described pickles to somebody who had by no means eaten a pickle nor seen a cucumber, after which they reverse-engineered it right into a fragrance, and sprayed that fragrance immediately into my mouth.
I walked dwelling in a inexperienced cloud of disillusionment with a chemical dill aftertaste lingering on my tongue. However maybe I rushed my judgment, and it wanted to take a seat for a bit; in spite of everything, my love for kombucha wasn’t prompt. It took me a strong 5 years to have the ability to choke it down with out throwing up just a little.
Just a few days later, I opened the bottle once more, this time with subdued expectations. The kombucha was much less enthusiastic as properly. The swampy sediment settled to the underside; the fizz had misplaced its exuberance. I took a tentative sip. The dill travesty violated my style buds. This was not a holy union. This dream was a nightmare. There was just one factor I might do.
I grabbed an emergency pickle jar from my pantry and downed its brine in a single sitting. Then I chased it with a growler of pineapple jalapeño kombucha. Now that hit the spot.
Viktoria Shulevich, a Boston-based author of humor, essays and youngsters’s fiction, has written for the New Yorker, McSweeney’s and WBUR’s Cognoscenti.
